


Back To The Camp

by haraldstad2joni



Series: A Living Hell in The Southeast [2]
Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, LOTR Actor RPF, Lee Pace - Fandom, Richard Armitage - Fandom, The Hobbit RPF
Genre: Actors as Soldiers, Alternate Universe - 1960s, American Soldiers, Established Relationship, Historical-plot-twist, History-based Fiction, Homophobia Era, Lee and Richard found love in war, M/M, Vietnam War, War Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:25:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haraldstad2joni/pseuds/haraldstad2joni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The third platoon went back to the camp. Lee saw Richard looked miserable and they talked a little bit more privately than before, more like a friend to friend than an officer to his enlisted man. Richard sought help for the wrongdoing reports. The result of the massacre investigation made the third platoon guys disappointed. There was just injustice for the <em>old men</em> related to their third tour of duty limit. Those guys just wanna back home. Luke and Craig--the aviation guys were best friends, both started to feel bored with the Nam and their decision. Lee started to think too much about Richard. Richard did the same thing. Both thought they were getting insane for too long staying in the Nam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hey, Call me Rich

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of **In a Hamlet up The Hill**.  
>  In this part, more trouble are coming to Richard and his third platoon.

**Camp Cu Chi, U.S Army Military Base, Northwest of Saigon, South Vietnam**

The third platoon men were dropped from the helicopters late at night. It took more than four hours from Quang Ngai to Cu Chi even with helicopters. All platoon men were quite tired and what they needed now was just cool shower, or another canned food, beers and weeds as a tradition after doing a mission. They went back to their barrack still with no much word. When they passed first and second platoon barracks, they could hear them chattering, laughing, and partying with some whiskey like something was alright. 

Lee sat on the edge of his narrow folding camp bed, put his M16 on the small nightstand and dropped his helmet next to him. He glanced at the rest men did the same thing, now they started to have less-important conversation. The smell of dried blood in his outfit made him felt nauseous again. Then he took off the suspender, davis belt, buttpack, ammo pouch, and a pair of dirt covered panama-sole jungle boots along with the bad smelled socks. He unbuttoned his olive fatigue shirt, left only a plain olive green sleeveless t-shirt, a pair of lousy jungle trousers and then grabbed a towel. 

“Going to shower, Sarge?” Jack asked, clung a towel in his nape.

Lee nodded, “Yeah, ready to go, Jack?” he slipped a cigarette in between his lips, strode out in barefoot to the door and Jack followed. 

On their way to the shower room, they saw Richard sat on a used ammunition wooden box, smoking and held a bottle of Jack Daniels. It was not an uncommon view for all men in the company as he was the notorious bad-guy-typical officer, compared to them who kept a good image and reputation. And it was normal to see him hanging around with a bottle of booze. Richard never cared and that was why he kept discredited by many officers here. Yet, something looked very different about the 27 year old lieutenant this time. He looked worse than usual.

Jack looked up at the 6-feet-5-inches-tall sergeant. The tall man looked down at him, “You go first, boy, I’ll be there soon,” Lee said and let the young soldier left. 

The tall sergeant moved closer to the half drunk lieutenant. He actually felt a little bit awkward, anticipated that the lieutenant would respond negatively against him. 

Lee sat next to Richard, “Get good booze, Sir?” he asked, dragged his cigarette deep.

“Hell yeah,” Richard mumbled. He glanced at the young sergeant, “What’re you doin’ here, Pace?” he asked.

“I, um, just gonna take a shower,” Lee answered. He felt bad as the officer responded carelessly.

“Now, you see me so fucking miserable, right?” Richard snorted, taking a gulp of whiskey.

Lee sighed, “I know you feel so terrible about that shit, Sir,” he scratched his itchy sweated head.

“I am goddamned terrible man, Pace,” Richard smirked, now he really looked at a pair of dark grey eyes next to him.

Lee blushed a little bit in response to the intense gazing of steel blue eyes belonged to his lieutenant, “We are all terrible men. You know what, Lieutenant, I woke up this early morning, hoping nothing would happen in the patrol, or at least we knocked off some escaped VCs and went back to the camp. But that wasn’t. I hate the fact that we should be there,” he said. 

Richard nodded, “I’ve seen horrific things before, boy. Ia Drang Valley, The Battle of LZ Albany where NVA bastards cut down the Charlie Company of 7th Cavalry so bad, we lost about ninety percents of our men out there. I saw my men fell down one by one quickly. And then we got the fucking Tet in three goddamned phases. Thought they were the most terrible ones, but I’m fucking wrong. I better be put on more goddamned combats than seeing those civilians butchered like miserable cattle,” he told in anger. 

Lee looked at the lieutenant for a moment before tilted his head, staring at the starry night sky above, “So, how we can start reporting to the court-martial?” he asked.

“I’ll report to Major Wenham tomorrow. Let me go alone, first, let me talk to him, and when more testimonies are needed, you and the others will go,” Richard said, sniffing and taking more gulp, “Wish he can help me against those motherfuckers. I know who I am, Pace, most of them will go against me, but who cares? I see something goes wrong and I’ll never let it be no matter what,” he shrugged.

“I’ll talk to Bloom and the others, wish they will go with you,” Lee said, “There will be a cover up for this, Sir, we know who Dillon is, and Captain Miller, all of them linked to Colonel Franklin. We will lose this so easily,” he sighed, “But I won’t let you go alone, Lieutenant.”

Richard smiled weakly, “I’m glad you’re gonna be a fearless son of a bitch, Pace. But I’m really sorry bout this too. This gonna make your career hard as a NCO,” he frowned.

“Who cares, Sir? Who fucking cares about my career? If I can make it and get the hell outta here alive, I’ll leave this goddamned job as soon as fucking possible. You don’t need to be worry, because you’re not alone,” Lee explained. 

“Yeah, thanks by the way,” Richard muttered. Then there was a short silence between them, until he started talking, “Does that girl’s death bothers you so much, Pace?” he asked.  


Lee did not answer at first. He just sighed slowly, “All of those people’s death bothers me, Sir, but yeah, I admit it does. She, well, I dunno, she reminds me a lot of my sister, and seeing her murdered that way makes me really sick, Lieutenant,” he answered. 

“She deserved to live, and those motherfuckers should be jailed as soon as possible,” Richard mumbled.

“Yeah, they should be,” Lee raised his thick eyebrows, “Well, Sir, why don’t take a shower? I guess it will make you better tonight,” he got up, ready to leave, “Good bye, Sir.”

Richard smirked, “Maybe later, Pace,” he said and the young sergeant smiled and then walked away, “Oh, and you don’t have to call me Sir or my rank when we’re alone,” he added.

The tall sergeant halted his pace and turned around, “So what should I call you? I ain’t gonna call you Crazy Dick,” he snorted.

Richard giggled, “Well, I honestly don’t like everyone call me Crazy Dick tho, so, call me my name, or simply Rich as my family do,” he bit his lower lip.

Lee winced, nodded and smiled, “Alright, _Rich_ ,” he said awkwardly.

“Good, Lee,” Richard raised his eyebrows.

Lee blushed as he never be that friendly like a friend with his superior, and the way Richard called him by his first name rather than his family name made him a little bit happy—in which way he did not know why. 

_This was my third year in Vietnam, Served in the Charlie Company, 2nd Brigade, 27th Infantry Regiment—The Wolfhound of 25th Infantry Division. It was quite funny as since the day I saw this man who once fought in the ill-fated Charlie Company of 1st Battalion, 7th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Cavalry Division came to this unit until now I never talked so personally with him. Never until I saw him got drunk near the latrine where I came and talked to him at night after the terrible massacre happened. We did not talk too much and only about our intention to testify against Dillon and his men. And, I did not know too much about him either._

_Commonly, people in this unit only knew him as a West Point graduate who attended the OCS at Fort Benning and earned basic commissioned officer rank—second lieutenant of course. From what I knew or heard from the third platoon guys, he was actually a Britishman who immigrated to U.S.A after the World War II. I believed so, as his family name was quite strange as an American, in which we the platoon guys often got difficulty to spell Armitage correctly, and was quite odd when we called him in person, we rarely called “Lieutenant Armitage,” because it took time and made our tongue twisted like hell, so we simply called him by his rank. Or that when he was not around we never called him ‘Armitage’, most of us would say, “Hey, man, Crazy Dick is looking for you”. Sometimes we are so goddamned jerk to make fun of his name. Like that we often read in the official documents that his name was Richard C Armitage, we never knew what C was and presumed that the C stood for Crazy in which he finally got his nick name. Or, that it was an incredible coincidence that with C as his middle name, then he served in the C company twice in two different units. He knew that joke, and told me that he didn’t like, but just let us did it as long as it made us happy, I guessed._

_That moment when he asked me to call his nick name was quite strange for me. I didn’t know why but it made me happy like a silly son of a bitch. So far, I never knew he had someone like close friend to him during my time served in the same unit with him. I didn’t want to think that I’m gonna be his close friend though, but I bet he got a little bit changed since the massacre. He tried to hide the fact that he needed someone to talk to. Maybe after year by year he did everything all alone, his humanly nature was finally shown up. Sometimes war made people covered up themselves perfectly and sometimes it disclosed their hidden sides to each other instead._


	2. The Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard went to his company superior to report the wrongdoing of first and second platoon under Captain Henry Miller's order against unarmed villagers in Quang Ngai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As since the beginning, the element of this story is inspired by The My Lai Massacre 1968, in this part, there would be some events that are also based on the aftermath of My Lai Massacre, including the obstacles felt by the witnesses of the massacre to report the wrongdoing and make it possible to be investigated.

“Hey, what’s up, Dick?” Major David Wenham, one of the Charlie Company executive officers smiled, closed the book he read and put it on his desk. 

Richard smiled weakly, not really answered the question. Then he sighed, sat on a wooden chair, “I want to report something, Sir,” he said.

David winced, raised his eyebrows “Is there something wrong?” he asked curiously.

Richard nodded slightly, “Well, Major, I don’t know if this whole company already heard this or not, but I just want to tell you about what happened in the Pinkville search and destroy operation yesterday, Sir. I actually don’t know how to start, but the whole operation went wrong, really wrong,” he explained. 

“I met Colonel Franklin yesterday soon after the first and second platoon came back from the mission, but I guessed there was nothing wrong about that. Did you find some kinda wrongdoing during the operation?” the redheaded major asked.

“I guess so,” Richard pursed his lips, “I was with four men of my platoon, patrolling the forest around the village, my other men were dispersed in two squads, going to the different routes, they encountered the escaped VCs guerillas on their way and involved in combat actions. Me and other four men found nothing on the way and reached the targeted area at about eight in the morning. When we arrived at one hamlet, we saw the first platoon men shot villagers. We heard women and children crying, saw the dwellings burned and the livestock all killed, it was a very chaotic situation, Sir,” he continued.

“The area was already targeted as the VCs stronghold, Dick. You know many refugees during The Tet rebuilt or went back to their village, and VC wouldn’t waste the opportunity to penetrate,” David said.

“I know it was. But we saw them killed the civilians, the unarmed noncombatant villagers, and most of them were elders, women, children and infants. And Dillon’s men killed them, fired them from point-blank range, pushed them to the well and ditch and threw them with frags, some of them raped the women and then blew their heads off. We’ve seen a lot of scattered brains and blood on the ground. This is an illegal killing, Major, and I saw Captain Miller there, knowing the whole massacre and urged me to shut up about this,” Richard insisted.

David startled, “What did you say?” he frowned.

“The first and second platoon under the command of Captain Miller massacred many unarmed villagers of Tinh Khe,” Richard repeated clearer.  


“Did they really do that? The unarmed villagers, you said. How many of them?” Dave started to doubt.

“More than three hundreds, maybe about four hundreds, we didn’t do the body count, but my platoon men cleaned up the mess in those two hamlets. It took much time, so we knew there were many,” Richard answered.

The Major ran a hand through his hair, “You know what news I received this morning, Dick?” David asked, biting his lips, left Richard shook his head, “The official reports of the operation proclaimed that 120 Viet Congs dead. The Army stated that the Pinkville Operation is a _successful_ one, defeated the last remaining VCs stronghold in Quang Ngai.”

Richard’s eyes wide opened in disbelief, “That’s not true, Sir. We, the third platoon witnessed the killing, and tried to save the remained ones, in which it was hard to conduct and left my men argued with Dillon’s men,” he insisted again. 

David went speechless for a moment, “Listen to me, Dick. If what you say is true, that means the official made a cover-up for the whole wrongdoing out there. Sorry to say, but you are late to report this now. The cover-up is on. The whole units heard the victory over the last stand of VCs in Quang Ngai,” he said.

“So what we gonna do? Let this wrong thing happened and just forgotten?” Richard asked, almost drowned in anger, but tried so hard to keep in control, “Three gunship chopper crews saw the massacre too, and they rescued the remaining civilians. The pilot told me he would report to the brigade headquarters soon as he arrived at the base,” he added.

“Dick, I realize this situation is goddamned hard, now. The pilot probably reported to his superior, but Colonel Franklin knew better, boy. He must hear the report from the pilot’s superior and planned the next step to cover up. There is a fatal mistake, here. It will be hard for you to go against them, but I won’t let it covered up like this. I will suggest an investigation for this thing to the officials. I know it will be very hard, very hard to find the truth, and I know about your reputation in this company. They will easily disbelieve you and put you in trouble, but okay, at least I’ll try to convince them. That's maybe all I can do for you,” David said. 

“You know what, Major? I feel terribly bad about this goddamned thing. If you were there that moment, you would feel what I did, Sir. You would feel that something went really wrong until you couldn’t think clearly. If you’ve seen battlefields and the death, that one is more horrible. When you see your friends blown a baby’s head off with their rifles, you would understand why I’m here, insisting that we have to do something,” Richard glanced at other direction at one moment he felt so hard to say, “I know if I talk about this to other officers they would tell me that I should forget this. I should pretend that this never happened. They would discharge me because I didn’t follow the order. They would tell me I’m not a saint, that we don’t need no crusader like Miller and Dillon told to me. I know we are at a big fucking war, Sir. Thing like this will only waste everybody’s time, but I want to trust you, that you can help me about this, because we are soldiers, we don’t kill unarmed people, children and babies, and that justice must be done.”

Soon after Richard finished his words, there were no words between the two men. They drew in silence. The major tried so hard to process all of this officer’s words in his mind. Richard sighed and got up from the chair.

“Excuse me, Sir,” the lieutenant gave a salute and left the office, left the major thought hard to decide the next effort about the report. 

 

“Listen, boys,” Richard said, gathered the four men previously witnessed the massacre of Pinkville along with him, “I’ve report to Major Wenham about the wanton killing in Tinh Khe. We’re fucked up, The Army official already proclaimed the victory over VCs’ last stronghold in Quang Ngai yesterday at the time we’re commanded to clean up the mess out there.”

The four men grumbled and cursed in anger, “Damn it, that bastard Franklin!” Orly swore, “We know we must be fucked up with this mess. They will never let this trouble leaked to the high command, so there must be a fucking cover-up.”

Richard sighed, “Indeed. Major said he would help us for further investigation, but we know he is only a major. He can’t get through his superiors if they don’t give him access. And we got that fucking Franklin who commands the task force. And damn it, poor me for this matter, I have no good link, no good reputation in this goddamned Charlie,” he palmed his face. 

“So what we gonna do, Lieutenant?” Jack asked. His question left all of them in sudden silence. No words uttered, only the sound of Orly taking a gulp of Budweiser beer. They looked at each other and found no way out. 

Richard pursed his lips, “I dunno, boy. If we want to prove it, we have to do our own investigation in which it’s quite impossible because we all are charged by the Army. We can’t leave this place without any permission. I think I can do that by myself, letting me discharged by the official, but…” he stopped.

“You can’t leave us just like this, Sir,” Tony started, “We don’t need no other lieutenants to lead this platoon. If you investigate the massacre by yourself, you’ll get discharged for sure, and someone will replace you as our platoon leader. We don’t want it. We still need you here,” he said, not even looked at the others as he was pretty busy to repair his almost broken radiotelephone. His words made the other four looked at him at the same time, in which he did not pay attention about that.

“Have you told the other officer about this, Sir?” Lee asked. He remembered something he needed to tell to Richard that afternoon. 

Richard shook his head, “Nope. I can’t do that. Only Wenham who appreciate me honestly in this company,” he answered.

“You probably forget Pepper. Captain Barry Pepper, Bravo Company commander,” Lee nodded. He glanced at the others who seemed interested with his words, “He talked to me this afternoon. He connects with WO4 Karl Urban and his chopper crews from 123rd Aviation Battalion. For sure, he heard about what happened in Pinkville. You know that man, don’t ya, Lieutenant? When you can’t simply have good relation with anyone, he connects to _everyone_ ,” he raised his eyebrows, dragging his cigarette deep. 

“Pepper? That man? Well, I, um, rarely talk to him. I don’t know, Sons. Maybe I’ll try,” Richard scratched the growing stubble in his face. He for sure remembered that man Lee talked about—another West Pointer. He didn’t really know the said Captain as he always come and go and no one can easily find the man when he was needed. Lee was lucky to meet the man and even talked to him, he thought.

“Even if he connects with every superior at his best, we can just wait this at least a month until the report reached the high command—if it can pass. By the moment it takes time, bastards like Franklin and his men will do their fucking dirty work too. They will do anything to keep the cover-up on the way,” Richard said. He got up from the wooden ammo boxes the platoon men usually used as seat and on his way to leave, “I’ll catch that man—Pepper. If I’m lucky enough, you know boys, he is a goddamned-son of a bitch-ghost,” he stepped out the barrack. 

“You don’t need to be worried, Lieutenant. He told me he wants to meet you next Monday at seventeen-hundreds. He’ll the one who catch you, I guess,” Lee’s words halted Richard in his place.

“Wow,” the lieutenant smirked, “You’re fucking lucky son of a bitch, Sarge. Thank you,” he continued his way. 

 

The Bravo Company commander took his promise to meet Richard the next Monday. He was a man, simply a kind of Richard’s bad-guy-typical. A blonde man with cold face, very short undercut hair, pretty messy appearance and was totally different compared to Henry Miller of Charlie Company. He was Richard’s senior in West Point of 1962 class.  
“Your sergeant told me about that shit, Dick. So I thought I was so curious to hear it from you,” Barry said.

“Yeah, Captain, but this ain’t kinda good news to hear about. I don’t think I need to tell you once more. Pace told you clearly, didn’t he?” Richard sighed. 

Barry nodded, “Ya, he did. So did Urban. Some of us already heard ‘bout it, Dick. It is so fucking bad and gonna get fucking worse. The cover-up, I mean. I don’t think I can do more to help you,” he shook his head.

“So what I’m gonna do now? Major Wenham told me the same thing that he couldn’t help much. I know who you are, Sir. I mean, your connection is so fucking much better than mine,” Richard started to feel hesitate.

“Listen to me, boy. We are at war, now. Something like this could be very wrong. I know that but the situation doesn’t give you much chance to start. I know the military law, and you do, I guess. This thing will work so fucking slowly. To get the court-martial needs more investigations that is quite impossible as your own superiors are the indirect-masterminds of this. They can easily cut off your way. It will take years to the real persecution, and by that time, the involved men can or will leave the military service. It will be just another problem,” Barry explained.

Richard palmed his face, “Of course, we are at fucking war, now. I know and I realize it so fucking well. I can be careless enough to forget this thing, think this is probably happened in a war. But I won’t do that, Sir.”

“I don’t know why you’re so insisting in this thing, Dick. You’re right that I have connection with some superiors. To be honest, I’ve already report this thing to the regiment, this morning. I want to help you, but I’m worried that what I’ve done will just putting you into more trouble, Lieutenant. Officials will process this as soon as possible, so be ready,” Barry sighed, feeling a little bit sorry if it would add another trouble to the lieutenant.

Richard's eyes widened to hear the words, “I do this because if you were there, you would see so much wrong things. You would see how afraid those guys were. They were afraid to face more combat action. The shootings and killings against the unarmed civilians were because of that. But to be soldiers, you need to be more careless but ready no matter what happen. You need to be ready if the villagers attack you, but it doesn’t mean you can slaughter them that way. Their fear was too much against babies and small children. What kinda soldiers they are, most of them even came so fucking late, they didn’t see the real hell I and my men came through. Instead they just made it themselves. I have to thank you for what you did, Captain. I will be ready for whatever it comes,” he said, taking a deep breath. 

“Dick, you couldn’t tell them the right and the bad that way. Well, I wasn’t there and don’t really know what happened there. But I know when two or more people telling me that something went wrong, it probably was. So, I did what I could,” Barry frowned, tapping Richard’s shoulder, “You have to understand that you will not see the court-martial persecution for this matter too soon. This thing is just brought up. Official will ask you to testify, and you must understand that the result of this whole thing can be both good and bad.”

“I do understand that, Sir. I know what it takes. I know how fragile my position is now, but I don’t really care. I hate this war and I hate that such thing must happened in the very wrong time. I can’t hope too much for this, but at least everybody will open their eyes,” Richard said steadily. 

Barry smirked, “You will be the first man in this whole unit to do this. I’m afraid more trouble will get you down. I already did a few that I could, sorry about that.”

“More trouble must and will come to me. I know and I’m supposed to be ready. Well, I dunno thing to thank you ‘bout this, Captain. Don’t blame yourself, if something happens to me, it must because of my fault, not yours. Sorry if this brings you further to the matter, Sir,” Richard felt both relieved and worried about the situation. 

“Some of us work this thing secretly, Dick. It will prevent your supervisors to find out who start to leak the scar. Remember my words, boy, be ready for _whatever it comes_ ,” the captain’s face went truly serious when he ended his words.


	3. The Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The official report of the massacre disappointed Richard and his men. Lee found another trouble with himself related to Richard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update.  
> This chapter tells more about the personal issue related to Lee and Richard.

The next day Richard’s complaint to the company executive officer and the words-spreading by Bravo commander brought the matter to an interrogation. Captain Henry Miller was called to testify. Major David Wenham ordered the lieutenant to come back to the crime scene for a body count, as it was later proclaimed by the officials that the number of civilians ‘unintentionally’ killed in combat action against VC in Tinh Khe was only thirty. A countermanding of the order soon came directly from Major General Robert Desmond, a regiment executive officer in which he asked the responsible captain about the death toll. For sure, the captain mentioned the small number. 

Two weeks later, Company officials reported that the investigation was underway. Colonel Andrew Field from the regiment official was responsible to interview some GI’s witnessed the incident. He took testimonies from the whole platoon involved in the operation including five members of the third platoon who clearly testified about the real occurrence and the true civilian victims’ number. By what he reported to the authority, he stated that he was satisfied by the testimonies.

By the first day of February, almost a month after the incident took place, the colonel finally submitted the written result of his interview to the official. It mentioned that thirty civilians— identified as the local villagers were unintentionally killed during the firefight. 

Richard and his men who already testified about the truth of the incident heard the news and felt terribly disappointed with their officials. They saw the real massacre, they tried to stop it took more lives of the villagers, they knew there were no more than five real weapons found in the scene, and they cleaned up the mess soon after it ended up. The cover-up was in fact still on the way. They failed to prove the truth. They failed to show the truth. They were betrayed by the truth. 

 

_I woke up this morning and felt terribly bad as I suddenly remembered about my disappointment the day before. It wasn’t just my disappointment. It was our biggest lose and unforgiving shame. We all knew about the cover-up. We understood the situation and those whom we faced. For me myself, I was just a mere soldier, a lowly sergeant, and my rank definitely explained things. Some of them were high commissioned officers and for sure they passed everything so fucking easily. This was not a thing I wished to face in this living hell called Vietnam. This was a bullshit politics, just the same as those motherfucking things in our government. I didn’t come to this place to see politics shit._

_Some of us went through the fire and the death just to stay alive and to go home when we finished. We were already enough with blood and bullets in our everyday. We didn’t want to give a fuck about politics. Indeed we hardly realized that the reason why’d we been here in the first place was simply because of politics. I didn’t know who or what to blame. It’s funny to say that Lyndon Johnson kicked our asses out of the USA to the Nam because we ourselves went to the draft with more thousands reasons to tell. If every nasty thing we found in Vietnam was hell, then going to the draft was our deadly sin._

 

Richard was getting bored in his everyday life after the last official report about the massacre. He did nothing but walked here and there, often with a bottle of booze at night. He didn’t show any disappointment in his words, but deep inside himself, he got a very terrible feeling about the massacre aftermath. He, for his own reason was deeply sorry for every victim whose life was taken miserably by the fellowmen from his unit. He felt he tried less hard and so that he finally failed. Yet, it wasn’t his fault. He was just a lieutenant and platoon leader, so who could go against superior officers of the regiment by the way?

That night, the British-born man went to his platoon men’s barrack. Once he stepped on the porch stairs, he could hear The Animals’ _House of The Rising Sun_ was played loud enough. Then he pushed the wooden door open. Soldiers were busy with their own business. They played cards, sang along with the song, emptied some Budweiser’s cans, enjoyed some Marlboros and read some Life magazine with Vietnam War headline on the front.

Richard was about to stepped out of the door when the men suddenly realized his presence. All looked at him. Then he just smirked and crossed his arms on chest. Sometimes he forgot how he already loved them all like his own children.

“Easy, boys,” he said, still smirking, “Enjoy your time. We have no shit to do, make yourselves happy,” he added and stepped back to close the door and left. 

It was already 09.00 PM when he felt an urge to take shower in this hot night. He had been about two days with no shower. Feeling some uneasy thought in his mind, he decided that a shower could cool his head, at least for a moment. 

 

That was a horrible heating night when Lee finally decided to take a cool shower. He had been more than five minutes under the shower and felt so free with no one urged him to be hurried like usual. He needed more minutes to realize that someone was here, taking shower not far from him. He hummed with hands ran through his hair and still he felt careless about anyone that was. 

When Lee turned his head to see, he felt a little bit surprised and almost shrieked. It was Richard, stood naked under the shower, not really far from the sergeant. It was a little bit awkward to see your platoon leader taking a shower and fully naked when you usually saw him in military outfits. Even Lee never saw him on t-shirt or barefooted. Now, that he was ‘proudly’ naked made the Oklahoman guy a little bit weird. 

Lee pulled himself off, tried so hard to focus on his shower, closed his eyes to let Richard enjoyed his private time. But still, for God sake, what the hell was he doing to take shower in soldiers’ bathroom? He had separated officers’ bathroom though! Lee hardly thought. The more he tried not to think about Richard, the more he wanted to see him again. He did not understand what made his eyes turned back to the naked figure. Whether it was just his odd feeling as he never saw his platoon leader in such state or that he felt strangely curious about his hidden physical look, Lee himself could not tell. 

The sergeant hated the fact that this situation made him very clumsy. He never felt something like this before when he was taking shower with other platoon guys. Orly and he even likely talked to each other when they were naked under the showers and he felt nothing wrong about that. His eyes unintentionally followed Richard’s hands and fingers went through his muscular, milky skinned body. For his life, he was honest, that he never thought Richard had such perfect body shaped. He was usually wrapped in jungle trousers and lousy fatigue shirt, so that seeing him with none of them made him blushed like never before.

The more Lee looked at Richard, he felt his blood ran faster inside his veins. It had been a very longtime since he felt such adrenaline. This was totally different from the adrenaline he got in combat actions. This was kind of thing he found in his teenage phase as long as he could remember. While thought about this, he couldn’t get my eyes away from staring at the man, in which he tried so hard not to see the things below. Really, the view of Richard’s bottom made him fought the urge to stop showering and got out of the bathroom. He tried to find why he behaved or thought that strange as he never did before. 

The naked figure of tall lieutenant taking shower under the dimmed neon light haunted the young sergeant. He unconsciously swallowed hard when he glance at the Britishman who tilted his head, closed his eyes and licked his tiny lips while water rained over him. Lee’s eyes even tried to follow the water stream down the lieutenant body. As it reached down, he suddenly felt something twisted inside his stomach and almost made him growled. 

Lee focused back to his shower. He did not know how hard his breath was. As the tingling sensation in his stomach grew worse when he closed his eyes and could only see a naked figure of his lieutenant, he decided to stop showering and stepped back. He reached his towel and started to dress up, ready to go before Richard realized he was there.  
The sergeant reached the door handle when he heard Richard said something. He could not hide that he blushed until he felt his face heated.

“So, it’s you who were there next to me,” Richard mumbled. 

Lee turned around and saw the lieutenant stood up with small olive green towel circled his hips, not really big enough to cover the real body shape. The young man blinked several times, his cheeks reddened fast and mouth opened in small ‘o’ which he did not realized. 

“Ah, yeah, Sir, oh, I mean, Richard—it was me,” Lee almost twisted his tongue as he thought he reacted so unnaturally. 

Richard smirked and flapped his lousy trousers, “What a hot night, tonight,” he said while turned around and unwrapped his towel to start wearing his boxer.

Lee turned his face to the door as he could not stand to see the lieutenant naked—once more, “Ah yeah, a really hot night in the Nam, Rich,” he nodded, “Well, see you,” he opened the door and left without looked back at the man. 

“Yeah,” Richard winced with a slight smile on his lips, “See you, Lee,” he did his trousers and started to put on his shirt. 

 

Lee went back to the barrack and found his friends were still doing the same things they did when he left for shower. The young sergeant sighed and headed straight to his bed. He tried to forget the feeling he got at the bathroom by going to bed earlier though he knew how hot that night was. 

“Hey Pacey, you okay?” Jim Jackson, the specialist 6 asked the clumsy tall Oklahoman.

“Yeah, just feel a ‘lil bit tired, Big Jim, but I’m alright,” Lee waved his hand and sat down in his bed, leaned on the wooden wall as the headboard and took his boots off. He tried to make himself feel sleepy but it was incredibly hard to do. Most of the platoon men still had fun for themselves and it was not even twelve o’clock yet. 

“Hey, Bloom, give me that booze,” Lee said, half mumbled incoherently as he saw his best friend taking a bottle of whiskey. 

“What? Come again, Pace,” Orly frowned. His face reddened by the effect of the alcohol he took.

“Gimme your booze,” Lee repeated, clearer this time.

Orly snorted and laughed, “This fuckin booze?” he asked, “Well, since when you drink this shit, Buddy?”

“Fuck you, Bloom,” Lee hissed, “I can’t sleep, I need some booze,” he explained yet not enough to answer Orly’s curiosity.  
“You don’t drink this sort of shit—except beer,” Orly took another gulp, “It’s weird. Did something go wrong, Pace?”

Lee shook his head. He rolled his eyes, tried not to mention anything about what he experienced in the bathroom before, “Nah!” he muttered, “I just want a peaceful sleep. You know, Bloom. I’m getting bored with this fucking situation.”

“Everybody does,” Orly said, glanced at the rest of the men, “Sometimes I like to be in such situation. No patrol, no fucking ambush, no VC, no NVA. Only free time, more booze and some weeds and the worst you get this last one month is your turn to clean the fucking latrine,” he sat on his own bed edge and handed the whiskey bottle to Lee. 

“Too much booze and weeds with no work to do are gonna make us like dumb shit, you know that, man,” Lee said, sniffed the whiskey aroma before taking his first shot carefully that left him a little bit shock, “Why don’t they just let us go home when we no longer needed like this? We’ve been in this fucking lovely Nam for three years, buddy—three years,” he took his second shot better than the first one.

Orly chuckled and nodded, “Ya, we have to go home. I don’t need all of this shit no more. There are so many replacement guys out there waiting to be here. They’re gonna love the Nam so fucking much,” he took a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and lit it, “You know, man, I never seen my son before. It’s been three years, he was born when I was already in Vietnam, maybe he didn’t know who I am, but, Buddy, I miss him so much, so does Miranda. I never wish anything for this last three years in this living hell, but to make it and go home to see them again,” he stared at the ceiling and smiled. 

Lee said nothing. He looked at his last three years best friend. He saw a very great longing inside his dark eyes. It had been three years and Orly never seen his own son. If he could make it and went home, he probably would get a bit disappointed because his son presumably would not recognize him. Lee thought about other soldiers who had their own family. How sad it was to leave a beloved woman and children behind. He was not married, not even had a girlfriend back to his country, but he tried to feel what the other did. This war they did not intend to declare was a truly hell. It separated too many soldiers’ family, left their sons, husbands and family to fight a battle they did not want to. Going to Vietnam as soldiers gave them money to send for the family left behind. Especially if they were poor, living in slums, had no good jobs back to the USA, and if they were discriminated Black people like Big Jim Jackson, they had no choice but going to the draft. 

Orly took out a lousy photograph from his pocket and showed it to Lee, “This is the last picture Miranda sent to me a week ago. I didn’t show you yet,” he said.  
Lee smirked, looking at a picture of beautiful young woman with a little boy, he was about three year old. The boy looked a lot like Orly himself, “Nice picture, Bud, your son growin’ up so fast,” he commented. 

The black haired sergeant smiled proudly, “Flynn’s gonna be more like me. If you have your woman and son left behind, you’ll understand what I feel, Pace,” he sighed.  
Lee nodded, “I’m single unfortunately, and fortunately for some reason,” he giggled, “We’re gonna leave this fucking hell as soon as possible, so just stay alive, man,” he said and taking more gulps of whiskey until he felt a little bit lightheaded. 

“Everyone wishes so, but you know this war, Pace,” Orly said and left the other sergeant alone with his almost emptied whiskey bottle. 

The Oklahoman guy did nothing but taking the remaining whiskey from the bottle. He did not realize someone watched him over the bed.

“Feeling good with booze, Pace?” Adrien’s voice surprised Lee a little bit.

“Ah, it’s you,” Lee chuckled, “Yeah, sarge, I think I’m gonna sleep well after this,” he added. 

Adrien sat next to the drunk sergeant, “It’s new for you, be prepared for the hangover tomorrow,” he smiled.  
“Well, that’s the worst part,” Lee said, “So, you’re around when I talked to Bloom?” he asked.

Adrien nodded, “Ya. I heard you. I heard Bloom wanna go home. Me too, so do you. I don’t want to make you unhappy with this, but I got to tell you, Pace. You know the official report from the regiment, right? The cover-up is on. I’m afraid it means we’re not gonna leave the Nam too soon, boy.”

“What do you mean, Sarge?” Lee frowned.

The Jewish staff sergeant sighed, “Listen to me, Pace. I feel something not good about this. You know, they will never let us go home too soon, especially us, the third platoon men. When we are discharged and go back to the USA, they think we will leak all of those dirty secrets about the massacre to American public and it will be more trouble for the unit.”

“So, you mean that they will let us rotten here just to make us shut the fuck up?” Lee went a little bit losing control with his words. 

“I don’t know, but I’m afraid so,” the platoon sergeant shrugged, “Three years in the Nam isn’t really good, boy. We got no sufficient replacement since the Tet. Almost half of us are still the same guys deployed from Hawaii 1966.”

Lee thought for a while, “You could be right, Sarge. Maybe we’re gonna be here a bit longer than we expect. They don’t fucking care about how long we’ve been here. We are goddamned machine and will always workin’ as long as we ain’t broken,” he stared at the ceiling that started to blur. 

Adrien chuckled softly, “I think you’re getting drunk, Pace. Forget what I told you, you need good time to rest,” he stood up and left.

“I don’t have any girlfriend, wife or children back at home, but I know it’s hard for someone like you to leave them alone for so long. My dad served in the Marine and he left my family for Korean War. I was just a lil’ boy that time and didn’t really remember how hard it was to have someone we loved left us, but I know it wasn’t good at all,” Lee said and felt he already lost control about his words, “When I can’t be a husband or father like you or Bloom, I already became a child of a man who once had to leave his family behind,” his words stopped the platoon sergeant for a while. 

Adrien turned around and looked at his man in question. He smiled weakly, “So now you become like your dad and feel what he did back at Korean War. Every kinda war, Pace, always fuck us all up,” he muttered and left. 

Lee was dumbfounded in his place for a moment before lied down on his mattress. His eyes went red and watered. He sniffed all the way and mumbled some incoherent words. He never went really drunk before, wasn’t an alcoholic type like most of the guys. The reason he took the whiskey was because he really distracted by a thought in the bathroom last time.

The tall sergeant’s hand went down to unbutton his jungle trousers. He felt a little bit uncomfortable with the tightness in his stomach. As soon as he closed his eyes the first image appeared in his mind was his platoon leader tilted his head with eyes closed and naked under the shower. He opened his eyes up again in denial. 

Lee looked around and found that everything turned silent. He didn’t know what time it was but he saw that the other guys were already on their own mattress and fell asleep. The light had turned off. Only the outdoor lamp lights came through the small windows. He sighed and took his trousers off his long legs along with his t-shirt, left only a pair of boxer shorts. Nights in Vietnam were always overwhelming without minimizing your outfits when you wanted to sleep well—only patrol or combat condition was exception. 

Lee’s head span around. He felt incredibly dizzy and nauseated. The heating temperature that night only made him worse. Every time he wanted to close his eyes, the image always haunted him. He tried to assure himself that it would be alright if he tried to sleep. When he did, the image and view came again, ghosting over his mind. The harder he tried to make himself comfortable, the more uneasy he got.

When Lee finally let the image occupied his mind, his chest was up and down in hard breath. His sweat poured down his temple and soaked his body. He felt terribly sinful to think that way about the man he really adored and respected. Never in his life had he experienced such thing. He did not understand why it must be Richard. Three years lived among all male friend should not put him in such state of mind. 

As the image got intense covering Lee’s mind, he was accused by so many questions came from himself. Those questions were unexplainable, only he could interpret them. The picture of Richard’s naked body nailed his brain. He could not stop himself to recall the white milky skin and some contrast parts that got sunburns. He still remember the bullets scars in Richard’s shoulders and arms, and burn scar along his left temple down to his neck and upper part of his left chest. The way Richard licked his tiny lips under the shower made Lee almost gasped by the strange feeling down his stomach.

Lee swallowed hard and pushed his stomach to deny the sensation, but he failed. He felt the adrenaline risen, sent a stream of blood fast through his entire body. The moment his hand reached low he felt he got erection. He almost shrieked but his head was too heavy. So he could only take more deep breath for the strangest sensation he ever felt in his life. He was miserably scared and sinful for many reasons. 

The effect of alcohol almost reached the top. Lee felt his body went very light and fortunately getting numb. He felt nothing but his own heartbeat. His hand tried so hard not to touch his stiffness down there. While his mind brought him to the moment he saw Nguyen Thi Oanh, the girl who was raped by some GIs and finally murdered. He remembered the question those GIs asked him when he tried to help her.

_“Are you homosexual, Pace?”_

_“Are you homosexual, Pace?”_

_“Are you homosexual, Pace?”_

The question echoed in his head and haunted him badly. He really wanted to answer no the moment it ghosted in his ears. The effect of alcohol lost him from his own commonsense. He felt terrorized by the question and recalled some unhappy things happened at his school time. The truth that he never had any girlfriend—and even had any romantic or physical interest to girls in his teenage phase finally came back to him to interrogate and accuse him even worse. 

_“No, Pace, you can’t be a homosexual. Not here, not this time in this living hell and not anywhere or anyhow. You can’t be a fucking homosexual!”_


	4. The Door Gunner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Specialist 6 Luke Evans, a helicopter door gunner who was one of the helicopter crews, involving in the villagers evacuation back at the hamlet in Quang Ngai had his story of his own about his time in the Nam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A side-story chapter about Spc 6 Luke Evans, the helicopter door gunner from an aviation battalion.

**Camp Chu Lai, 123rd Aviation Battalion Headquarters, Quang Nam, South of Da Nang, South Vietnam**

_[Luke Evans’ POV]_   
_It was mid February, about more than a month after the massacre. We, the chopper crews heard the official reports from the regiment. Only 30 civilians unintentionally killed during the search and destroy operation. But we had our eyes opened wide. We were not that fucking foolish. We were there when those first and second platoon guys from Charlie Company, 25th Infantry fired women and children on the ditches._

_My pilot, WO5 Karl Urban took this thing seriously, even more than us the chopper crews. He felt he had responsibility to report the wrongdoing. He did, but the result didn’t satisfy him—or us. The distance between Cu Chi and Chu Lai was too long. We couldn’t monitor what happened there after the massacre. The Bravo Company leader sent us message about the result. He told that the official asked some testimonies from the witnessing GIs during the massacre, but he added that the cover-up was on soon after Urban reported to our official. We were not that fast and organized._

_I’ve seen enough combats from the air, but never been so emotional like when we hovered above the miserable hamlets in Quang Ngai last January. It was still so clearly stuck in my brain the way the children and babies were blown off by M60s. I couldn’t even sleep that night as I could hardly believe what I’ve seen. The other moment was so emotional when we rescued the remaining villagers. We evacuated them to Da Nang Military Hospital, the nearest point we could reached from Quang Ngai. They were crying on the way to the hospital. I didn’t understand any words they say, but I believed it was about grieving. I never see them again after we dropped them in the hospital, but I couldn’t ever forget that time when a little boy hugged my leg before I hopped back to the chopper. He smiled at me and I thanked to God that he could survive from the misery, even he would grow up with the diabolic past haunting his life._

_Then I remembered about the lieutenant we found near the rice paddy. I didn’t even know his name, only Urban later told me he was First Lieutenant Richard Armitage, the third platoon leader. Despite how much we got disappointed about the fucked-up result of our report, that man must suffered more than we could bear. I could imagine the anger inside him when he heard about that. And poorly, he would get more trouble came with his involvement against his own unit. I didn’t believe there was a man who could still differentiate between right or wrong when people no longer recognized whether they were human or not._

_Now after the effort fell in vain, we went back to our boring daily life back to our headquarters. We didn’t always fly around everyday, only some physical exercise to keep our body fit. I myself had been here in the Nam for the last two years. I went to the draft in 1965 but remained in the camp until 1967 when this battalion was established I joined the unit—at Bravo “The Warlords” Company and left my home in Miami for the long days in the hell called Vietnam. I didn’t go alone, my high school buddy, Craig Parker was with me. We served in the same unit and now in the same chopper. The crew chief was originally not him. He replaced the one who died in Tet last year. Tet Offensive was done, many of our chopper crews died and more replacements to come. I still got Karl Urban as my pilot, but new guy named Joe Bradley as the co-pilot—well he wasn’t around when we evacuated the villagers, Parker took over the co-pilot position._

_Being a door gunner—we called it ‘shotgun rider’, wasn’t always good. I didn’t guarantee myself that I never had mistaken gunfire against fellow GIs. I’ve felt so guilty about that, but no one could blame me for that. I was on the chopper with M60 before me, flew around from the high, it’s hard to be really focus, especially in severe combat situation. Plus, enemy would try to bring you down when you were a door gunner. You were one of their most wanted targets. They would find the way to blow off the chopper you were in because your position was so crucial to the unit—no chopper meant no access for the infantry._

_But being door gunner wasn’t always bad. When the infantry had to survive on the land full of booby traps, you could just sitting on your chair with M60 attached right before you, you just need to sway it right and left, up and down to hit the targets you wanted. But still, two years with the chopper noise, M60 machine gun retained to a bungee cord before me was now already made me get more bored. I thought it was enough to see how hell looked like and now I wanted to back home!_

 

Luke’s eyes turned to the mirage in the middle of airfield in the battalion headquarters. Some UH-1 helicopters just landed on the pad in a very exhausting midday. He had no turn to fly today and just hanging around the camp to fight his boredom. The high temperature in tropical climate always made things getting worse. Yet he lived in Miami before, so getting some more heat did not make big difference. Only this place was full of unexpected and unpredictable disease like malaria. 

The door gunner stopped for a while to light a cigarette and continued walking through the dusty pavement. He heard about some ambush patrol not far from Ky Ha, the place headquarter was on. So he must be ready if he got the turn to transport some troopers down to the LZs. It had been quite long since The Tet was over and now there were small contact with the enemies again. 

“Hey, where have you been?” Craig Parker asked his longtime friend when he already stood on the barrack staircase, smoking a cigarette. 

“Just walkin’ around,” Luke answered, moved closer to the barrack terrace and took his shirt off, showing his muscular well-shaped abs and biceps dampened by sweat, “and seein’ some guys just turned back from droppin’ the troops out there,” he added.

Craig smirked, rolling his round blue eyes, “So the crews made it,” he said, taking his water canteen and took a gulp. 

“Damn it, Parker. This is not Tet,” Luke mumbled and lied down on a pile of sand sacks, propping his head with one elbow. 

“Shit, I know that, but The NVA are kinda getting’ more aggressive. Many of ‘em already moved from the north, down to Saigon,” Craig said.

“Well, you probably right, buddy,” Luke smiled. His warm hazel eyes shifted to glance at his high school best friend, “We ain’t troops, infantry I mean, but we’re here to support them with aircraft. So, we’re also gettin’ closer to Saigon from day to day.”

“And we never really know it,” Craig continued, “I have no idea when we’ll have to stop all of this shit. Thought The NVA already occupied Saigon back to the Tet, but they keep comin’ down from the north. So that this war seems like have no end, man. Everything just goin’ around over and over,” he lied down next to Luke and closed his eyes for a moment. 

Luke stared up at the midday blue sky for a while before closing his eyes for the soothing wind blowing, “So it’s maybe our fault. We made a fucking wrong decision by going to this place. How many times you realize that this is not our war, Parky?” he asked. 

Craig chuckled bitterly, “I always mad at myself every time I remembered going to the draft. I gave up my chance for university, for this shit. I realized that I was so wrong when I let go my university dream, not long after we’re on the boot camp. And then I realized that something wrong with our involvement in this war since I started to be trained as a crew chief for a helicopter gunship in Vietnam. Everything just messed my life up, Evans,” he explained.

“And then you keep goin’ in this fucking way, that’s funny, dude,” Luke giggled while two fingers played the dogtags in his chest, “But who can get out of this dipshit like they want it, by the way? No one could. There are only three possibilities here. First, stay alive until the war ends, no matter how long you’ll be on it. Second, get wounded twice and you’ll back home, or third, die here like many of us did.”

“If I can choose, I want to be wounded, but that’s fuckin’ ridiculous, boy, we could just died in this exposure at anytime and anyway,” Craig laughed. He sighed and opened his eyes, taking a cigarette from his shirt pocket, “Go home in a coffin will be better if I have no one at home,” he dragged the cigarette. 

“Don’t talk about death to me, Parker,” Luke almost grumbled, “You’ll be home—in the way you are, alive, alright?”

“Don’t mad at me, you bastard, you’re takin’ this too much, Evans,” Craig shook his head, “I concern about your safety for this last two years, you know that?”

“So you believe in that fucking shit?” Luke laughed, “They told us that a door gunner’s life span is only five minutes long. It happened to many guys like me in this fuckin’ hell, dude. We’ve already lost many of ‘em. You know what, Parky? I always believe in that bullshit. I always believe that my life would end up just five minutes after we started to take off. And in that every five fucking minutes, I always thought about so many things in life, the good and the bad. I had death so close to me every that five minutes, but never close enough to bring me down—up to this day at least.”

“That five minutes life of a door gunner scares me like shit sometimes, but what happened was that your previous crew chief couldn’t make it just like your co-pilot, and that your gunner fellaz Bob Grant didn’t make it,” Craig smirked glancing over to his shirtless friend next to him, “Just make it, Luke, I promised your mama to take you home someday.”

Luke turned his head to look at Craig, unintentionally looked at the trace of soft brown stubbles grew up in his long narrow face, “Why’d you promised a thing that you can’t make sure yourself? I’m a door gunner here, Parky, here in this fucking Nam. Those gooks already tried and will always try to hit me because I’m the man they want. That’s why many of guys like me couldn’t make it. That’s why Bob and other guys who replaced him didn’t make it,” he said. 

“I didn’t know why, tho,” Craig shrugged, “I just didn’t wanna make your mama got sad. You’re the only child. She only had you and let you go to the Nam was the hardest thing she ever did in life. You got it don’t you?” he raised his body a little bit. 

“I know that, but Parky, don’t be foolish. You got four little brothers back at home, no daddy’s around, so I think you deserve to make it. They need you, boy,” Luke said, a little bit too emotional.

“As long as I can make it, dude. Don’t be stupid, you told me this is the Nam and I got it well. No one ever wants to come home in a coffin or stay here, rotting under the Nam’s dirty soil. We sounded like foolish little boys talkin’ ‘bout childhood ambition. Once we talked about it and later we realized life ain’t that fuckin’ easy,” Craig explained, changing his position into sitting up, “I know I got mama and little boys back home, but I have to be here to make sure they are clothed and fed. Like I’ve told you, everything just mess my life up, I dunno things to say, I just want this war ends no matter what.”

“Ya, everyone wants it, dude, everyone,” Luke sighed, opened up and closed his eyes, “We can’t blame this world to send us upon the hellfire, we sent ourselves instead. Ah, Jesus! I hate to talk about these things. We’ve forgot it for many days here. Remembering home is gonna make me more bored,” he sighed. 

Craig stood up and moved to the staircase, “This is our fate, Evans,” he said, “We have many stories to tell to them who’re never been here, that we’ve already seen the hell and go back to the world,” he halted his step and turned around, “If we still alive,” he chuckled and went on.

Luke smiled and laughed weakly. He took another cigarette and lit it. He looked at his chopper companion walked away through the dusty pavement. He smiled again to himself. It had been two years in Vietnam, and unconsciously he built stronger relationship with Craig. He never realized how much he became a little bit too much and protective to him. It felt like he finally found a brother he never had. Craig was more than just a high school buddy, more than a crew chief in the chopper he was in, he was a brother he always wanted to have. 

Luke probably never so understood the things bothered Craig for the last two years. His position as a helicopter door gunner was totally fragile. There was a hyperbole always talked about by the aviation guys, that a door gunner’s life span was only five minutes. It referred to the number of casualties in door gunners. If there was an attack against aircraft force, the ones who would be the target was usually the door gunners. Luke was one of them, and the fact that he survived from the famous five-minutes-living door gunner even from the Tet Offensive times surprised himself. He was probably one of the luckiest door gunners served during the Vietnam War—at least until now, where he could still smoking some Marlboros and taking some gulps of booze at night.


	5. Just First Lieutenant Richard 'Crazy Dick' Armitage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard spent one night on his quarters, alone with a book and a photograph that revealed many things inside himself. he mentioned his life in the Nam, fighting with the Wolfhounds, surviving with a club of 1966 men--and he mentioned Lee!

**C Company Area, 27th Infantry Regiment, Camp Cu Chi, U.S Army Military Base, Northwest of Saigon, South Vietnam**

A night in Vietnam could be very cold and damp when it rained all the day. The air made most of men stayed on their barrack or the bar. They would instantly avoid the outdoor places. Fogs made everything turned worse than it seemed. Every time Richard looked out of his room window, he felt a bit uncomfortable. It felt like some VCs could penetrate the base and attacked from behind the misty darkness. Yet he settled down himself, thinking it was too childish to have such thought. He went back to his bed, writing something in a lousy old notebook he considered as something kind of diary. 

_Camp Cu Chi, South Vietnam, February 16 1969_  
_It is raining all day today. A rain in the middle of the night isn’t really often this season, but it happens. It happens and makes me a little bit different. I never feel this kinda restlessness before. This is so funny to know what kind of man I am. I don’t want to think that maybe because this is my fourth year in the Nam, supposed to be my fourth tour of duty. But there is no third or fourth tour of duty. What happened to my life were almost always out of the box. I went to my first tour of duty in 1965 with the 7th Cavalry. My second one was supposed to be in 1966 with 25th Infantry Division. It’s funny I was never have a tour of duty with 101st Airborne, my real own unit. A tour of duty rotation is every 12 months, but I stayed with the last unit for the last three years, official considered this as my third and fourth tour of duty. Major Wenham once told me that I better went back to USA and joined the Green Berets before going back to the Nam. I was more like them, he said, than a West Point officer in regular infantry unit. Yes, I heard some of them did the same thing, doing more than two tour of duty in the Nam, like they really loved this living hell._

_People only understand me as a mad man who doesn’t want to go home—simply because I’m a sick person. I am that Crazy Dick who always drunk and forget home too soon, or a merely homeless American man who choose the Nam as a better home. Who are they to judge me that fuckin’ way and this fuckin’ way? I cannot tell a thousand reasons I might give. I miss Philadelphia, I miss my mother, and my little brothers and sisters. I miss all that those people do. I don’t know that a disappointment can make a man goes this far—leaving home for so long, getting himself into an inferno. Out of my family life, I feel really alienated back to America. I found no one accept me like before the American involvement in the Vietnam War. Most of my friends went to the Nam and never come back. Then I stay in the Nam where I can found a brotherhood of men._

_A platoon consisted of some men who are similar to me. They are some men who have more than two tours of duty in the Nam and a real band of veterans who still fight to their death. Back to 1966, I went back to duty and joined the Tropic Lightning, superiors pointed me as a platoon leader in Wolfhounds, Charlie Company. I remembered how fresh and green they were that time while I was both a frustrated officer who’ve seen miserable deaths of his own men in LZ Albany, Ia Drang and a disappointed man who couldn’t feel a real home in his own country._

_Most of them from the first rotation are now off of duty. Some chose to go home and lived a safe life back to America but many died and wounded in Operation Junction City and some minor ambushes in 1967. Five of them deployed from Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, 1966 and stay in the Nam until now. They signed at least three tours of duty up to this year. Five others once joined the other units and ended up here. I have Bloom, Pace, Big Jim Jackson, Garcia and Hopkins from Schofield Barracks. Brody, O’Gorman, Spears, Ivanovic, and Thornton came from other units like 82nd Airborne and 1st Infantry Division. Some guys like Thornburg and Doc Turner came in the end of 1967 and were on their second tour of duty. The rest came along with O’Connell, started at the second phase of Tet Offensive, not yet completed their tour of duty. No wonder we are called the old men gang_. 

_Ten men survive three years in a fucking hell, sometimes wounded but keep fighting. They have their own reasons to stay in the fucking Nam. I don’t really understand why married men like Bloom and Brody stay here while they have family back home. Pace is too difficult to be understood, he has his own life. O’Gorman and Ivanovic avoid jails. Garcia is a Mexican immigrant and his family was too poor, his tour of duty gives them more money to survive. Spears lived in poor Standing Rock Reservation and is a tribal member of Hunkpapa Sioux Indian—exactly the same as Sitting Bull, the Nam gives him better daily life with no lack of food, cigarette and booze. Thornton, Big Jim, and Hopkins are Black and they come from racist-segregated society like Louisiana, Tennessee, and Mississippi. People back there in America are fucking racist rats but the guys in the Nam accept them better than anyone._

_There is a kinda bad news about their three years in the Nam. As the third platoon leader I know that some of those ‘old’ guys should finish their third tour of duty in January. They signed the latest tour of duty in January 1968 and supposed to finish in January this year. Something must go wrong. There must be a right rotation policy for this but it’s not. I reported to the official three days ago after I heard some of my enlisted men talked about ‘the old men who finally want to go home’. I questioned the reason why those five 1966 guys couldn’t finish the tour of duty while they are already passed the period. The official gave me nothing but something sort of problem from the division about the replacements related to the protest against Vietnam draft back at USA. I believe that is bullshit. Being quite skeptical, I start to think this is related to our involvement against Captain Miller’s ‘clean up mission’ in Quang Ngai last month._

_Three years in Vietnam is a very long way. There are only few soldiers survive that long except they are high command officers and military advisors, or some special task forces like Green Berets. Many of us chose to return home to start a new life, but I know it wasn’t that good. People back there in America are against American military involvement in Vietnam. Once I came back from the first tour of duty in the end of 1965, I started to feel it. They already lost respect to soldiers who drafted to the Nam. In 1967 people become more aware about this issue. Numerous anti-war protests were everywhere from Washington D.C to Vancouver, Canada. They wanted us to get the hell out of Vietnam. In one side it’s good for us and in the other one it’s not at all. Many of us returned home and they were called baby killers. Some of them probably were right, but people in America didn’t, don’t and will never understand what we’ve been through here, in this living hell if they never see it with their own eyes!_

Richard stopped writing. He closed the book and about to put it on his combat jacket where suddenly a photograph slipped out of it and fell into his lap. He looked at it and smirked. It was something came from 1966 when the Wolfhound arrived at Vietnam, the first complete formation platoon, freshly deployed from Schofield Barracks, Honolulu, Hawaii. There was himself among them. There he was, posing at the farthest left next to one of his surviving sergeants, Lee G. Pace who was still an 18 year old private that time. Richard’s eyes pinned into the photograph, skimming every face he used to know, trying to remember them one by one. That was when the memory flew around his head, back to every moment they’ve spent in the Nam, for the good and the bad ones. Through his eyes, Richard saw many of them seemed like faded away. They were already home safely, wounded, and dead. In his mind, only Bloom, Garcia, Hopkins, Big Jim and Pace were still clear. He didn’t forget the rest who’ve already gone and could never do, but sometimes it reminded him for something painful and that he himself had been too long staying in the place they called it hell. 

Remembering every moment spent with his third platoon always made Richard smiled in happiness and sadness at the same time. He was upset when the platoon he would lead was also in Charlie Company like the previous one. He feared the fate would be the same like before, but it was not that bad. He was assigned as the third platoon leader. The enlisted men he led were quite afraid of him at the first week, but quickly changed. They were young and inexperienced, so he understood them well. Unlike other units where the platoon leaders were usually replaced every few months, he kept staying with them and never left them in any condition—at all. The official just let him be, something he couldn’t comprehend himself. 

Many officers hated him for his—according to them, rude and inappropriate behavior. He liked to drunk everywhere he wanted to, not limited only in some officer’s quarters. He wasn’t bothered when his enlisted men saw him drunk because he even smoked weeds with them, usually after some patrols. He was a West Point graduate but thought it didn’t matter to join the Officer Candidate School while he already achieved second lieutenant rank. In such military caste, usually a Westpointer didn’t get along very often with an OCS officer. For Richard, status was never mattered, in fact he was a _ringknocker_ but never got promoted like the others. He didn’t really like living in luxury, while his men survived in uncertainty. This was in the Nam, he thought, and there’s no time wasted for such thing. Four years in Vietnam, a Westpointer man was still a first lieutenant and led a platoon. Many officers mocked him for that. They made fun of him about that. Richard never got bothered. Other Westpointers would never want to waste their time in Vietnam with no recognition and promotion. The only man Richard found quite similar was Captain Pepper from Bravo Company, but Pepper never been bound with his men like he did—Pepper was more like careless bastard, just doing thing he wanted to, and likely disappeared when there was nothing to do, hardly to be found. 

Richard yawned and stretch. At the time he looked down at his watch, it was already pass the midnight, 02.00 AM. He looked around at some young fellow officers who shared a room with him. Gladly he did not have to share a room with Dillon, or if he did, there would be just more fights. He was comfortable shared a room with those OCS men, made him the only Westpointer among them. He found that many OCS officers here were more tolerant and acceptable than many Westpointers he ever met. 

Taking off his boots, Richard prepared to sleep. He didn’t sleep too much lately. There was a lack of booze these days because the company didn’t order them again yet. So he didn’t drunk too much and it made him barely sleep. But now was the third day he didn’t rest—in a noncombat condition it was already pushed him to the limit. 

Richard stripped his trousers off, left only a pair of boxer and t-shirt. The rain was over out there, the air was getting cold, but he felt a little bit heating inside a lodge with some people inside and small windows attached. He still couldn’t close his eyes, but his body was already uncomfortable. He looked at the photo again and his eyes moved right to the tall man who stood next to him. That was Pace. 

The britishman smiled weakly at the time he remembered that young sergeant. He remembered his smile and the blush in his cheeks. He never knew him personally, even he didn’t know the reason he had more than one tour of duty since the deployment. He heard he had a father who served in the Marine, Guadalcanal in Second World War and Korean War and also a little brother who began to serve in the Marine September 1968. Richard thought it was enough to answer his question about that man’s decision in Vietnam. Pace was a determine sergeant, Richard thought, and also an extraordinary man, made him the youngest among the ten old men of 1966. He wasn’t even exactly eighteen year old when he deployed with the unit in 1966. Richard read his enlisted men’s files and found that Pace was born in March 25 1948. He must be still seventeen when got trained in Honolulu, but prior to his eighteenth birthday he passed the enlistment. Had required age or not, with his tall and ideal posture for a soldier, he looked like five years older than his actual age. Among all of the men, Pace was the tallest, made Richard easily recognized him at first. 

Richard recalled the moment he told the sergeant to call him his real name rather than Crazy Dick. He was apparently clumsy when he called him Lee rather than Pacey. But for him, Lee was a quite nice name, sounded more personal—or even _intimate_ when he called him that way. Richard could stop smirking everytime he remembered, since that night he met him near the latrine. 

There must be something wrong with himself. Richard believed he started to get strange distraction lately. He admitted he became a weirdo, definitely after he encountered Lee in the shower. The sergeant probably didn’t notice that he glanced again and again over him during the shower. He didn’t know whether it was intentional or unintentional to watch the tall sergeant naked and fully exposed _secretly_. He never did such thing before. Even there were some local women entertainers at the bar he no longer paid too much attention for them. Those women couldn’t be reached because they were protected. Yes, they were protected from those hordes of lonely men as long as they were in the base camp. So, it was just the same. Some women who were untouchable meant _no women_ for the soldiers. 

Many men used their R&R and leave to go to some places like Hawaii, Hong Kong or Japan. Hawaii was the destination for mostly married men because it was the closest place their family could visit. Hong Kong and Japan offered more _dangerous_ fun. Prostitution was the choice for so many single men. Richard could just visit one of those places every time he got R &R, but he didn’t. He only once went to Hawaii to meet one of his little sisters in 1968. Then he came back to Vietnam only less than a week. 

Lee—liked it or not already distracted Richard’s mind these days. Richard rarely met him now, but the effect of that night shower was incredibly _bad_ for him. A single man, away from home, and women and _bed_ was unconsciously forced to have more contacts and communication only with other men. He tried to comprehend the situation much better. He was trapped in the men’s world—where there were only men. Porn magazines worked well in such condition for many men but they no longer affected Richard. He was bored with all of reasons he got in mind. He basically was a man who failed and disappointed in building a relationship with a woman. Still, he didn’t think it was right in watching a younger man naked made a _good_ mind distraction from his real problem. 

Richard could only smile right now. He remembered how hilarious it was when his sergeant smiled or laughed and his cheeks blushed quickly. The way he blushed always made him feel weird—in some good way he meant. He admitted he _loved_ his platoon men, all of them. They recognized him as their father and he thought they were his children. Sometimes it did, but for another reason, he guessed he made a further relationship with Lee beyond his consciousness. He never understood why as he now stopped thinking and already entered his dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Ringknocker: a slang term refers to a custom of some graduates in West Point Academy to gently rap their ring against a hard surface in social situations and considered as a signal of their status to any other graduates.
> 
> * R&R: Rest and Recuperation/ Rest and Relaxation/ Rest and Recreation a slang term refers to a free time of a soldier during his duty period, usually permitted to the soldier once in his one year tour of duty.


	6. A Talk at Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard got out for a walk at very early morning and did an unexpected encounter with Lee, the sergeant he had in mind lately.

Two days later, Richard got up early than before and went for a morning walk. Vietnam sky was still dark that morning, fog was still thick and air was too cold. So he forced himself to wear his combat jacket and smoking some cigarettes. 

Everything was still quiet. Richard kept walking on and passing some enlisted men lodges. He dragged the cigarette deep, eyes glancing around. He nearly stopped in front of the enlisted men’s latrine when he saw someone just opened the door from the inside. 

Lee stepped out of the latrine door. His eyes found someone looked at him from the pavement. He tried so hard not to blush and found too difficult to know how to behave. He didn’t want to look unnatural in front of Richard after that night shower incident.

Richard smirked. He definitely felt something weird inside him. It felt like he was so happy to see this sergeant and like he missed him for so long while he only didn’t meet him in several days. Thanked to God it was still dark and he could hide his reddened ears and nose tip. 

Lee cleared his throat and walked closer to his lieutenant, “Hey what are you doing this early morning, Rich?” he asked, a little bit snorted.

“I can’t sleep. I slept almost all days like stupid shit yesterday,” Richard answered, making a soft laugh, “So, what are you doing here, Lee?” he put both of his hands inside his combat jacket’s bottom pockets.

“Just pissing, the air is just too cold,” Lee shrugged and smiled. He invited the lieutenant to his barrack, side by side sitting on the top staircase in front of the building. They were still for a moment, no words only some burning tobacco smoke spread around them. 

Something like this should be easy to handle. They could just talk to each other about anything. It was more than three years they knew each other, but things never been so weird like these days. They had been too awkward to each other after that night shower incident. It was just exaggerated, but strangely they were hard to forget it. 

“So well, how are you, Lee?” Richard encouraged himself to ask something. In fact that sitting side by side with no words was really creepy. 

“I’m alright, buddy. Why’d you ask something like this? Not your style, I guess,” Lee giggled. Even in the dark, Richard could still see his cheeks blushed.

Richard snorted, “What’s wrong ‘bout that?” he shrugged, “I didn’t see you too much this week, you know that, don’t ye?” 

Lee turned his face to Richard. He tried so hard not to blush too much when he read his face, pinning the clear steel blue eyes hidden under the dark, “Of course I know that. Is there something wrong? Maybe you wanna tell me bout that,” he said slowly, a little bit whispered.

Richard swallowed hard. His eyes couldn’t get off of Lee too soon. He was locked by the _temptation_ of a pair of round eyes with thick dark eyelashes fluttered before him.

“Well, I tried to talk to the official about the old _grunts’_ tour of duty limits,” Richard finally could blink and a little bit got away, “No one’s gonna leave this place too soon, boy. I’m really sorry ‘bout that. Y’all were supposed to leave in January, but the regiment didn’t permit it. They argued there was kinda trouble with the fucking replacements rotation. It just fucks us all up. The best thing I can do is just givin’ you old men some R &R,” he said.

“Oh, shit happens!” Lee grunted, “I believe this is related to that goddamned massacre. Brody told me, he felt this shit gonna happened and that our involvement would give the company more trouble if we could get back to America.”

“I thought bout that too,” Richard sighed, dragging his cigarette deeper, “Some guys like Bloom and Brody really need to go home, man, they have families and too long stayin’ in the Nam isn’t that good. If you want to see your family, you can just go to Hawaii, the R&R is ready next week.”

Lee shook his head, “No, Rich. I don’t wanna go.” 

Richard winced in confusion, “What the fuck, Pace? You’ve been here too long and can’t just go home soon. Your only chance to meet your family is in this R&R, or you’ll get stuck in this fucking hell for uncertain time.”

“Bloom and Brody deserve this so much, but Bo Martin’s little boy was born last week, his wife lived in Hawaii. He needs to see them soon, I think,” Lee raised his bushy dark eyebrows, his eyes widened and begged like a little puppy. 

Richard chuckled, “What a good boy, Lee,” he nodded and the tall sergeant giggled, “Yeah, I appreciate your kindness, boy. Why don’t ye want some fun outta here?” 

“This place is a motherfuckin’ fun, Rich. You know what I mean, man, in some bad ways,” Lee laughed, “I don’t wanna make my family sad when they know I can’t just get outta this place soon, and when they know I will leave ‘em again,” his smiled slowly faded away. 

Richard looked at his sergeant, halted his own words for a while, “This war fucks our life, buddy, not kinda fair thing,” he whispered, “If this is just because we saved those civilians from that fuckin’ savage captain, everybody could just blame me ‘bout this. I ordered my men to go against the order. Shortly, I put y’all in trouble, boy.”

Lee winced and snorted, “I never think you can be this goddamned foolish and sayin’ such thing, Richard. Don’t be fool, no one’s gonna blame you, not me, not your men. Sometimes it’s fuckin’ hard to keep something right in a wrong place—very wrong place. Sometimes it’s too impossible to be a human when people no longer know whether they are human or not,” his face turned really serious and dark, made his lieutenant a little bit uncomfortable with his look, “This war, Rich, turns us all into frightening beasts, heartless killing machine.”

“I’m sorry, Pace,” Richard swallowed and turned his face away, “I never be so confused like this before. Feels like, well, um, I’m gonna lose myself.”

Lee looked back at Richard. He felt something in between sympathy and wondering. Yes, he did wondering why suddenly Richard told him such thing. He was never so opened to anyone—anyone even his officer fellows before. For Lee, Richard was now more like lost inside himself like he said. He already pushed himself to the limit. Four years in a war, he could survive and thought he was alright, but deep inside him, he was unconsciously _broken_. He passed things harder than any of his platoon men ever did, even most of the officers in the unit. For a man who’ve been shot at least seven times and got his face burnt in an ambush 1966, always came back to the battle he belonged to was something beyond measure. He deserved many medals for his dedication and bravery, but Richard needed no decoration, he needed to find _himself_ back. Or, at least, now, according to Lee, he needed someone to talk to, because probably he never told anyone about what he felt in these last four years. 

“You can just tell me, anything you want to,” Lee said softly, much softer than usually when he talked to other people. 

Richard met his sergeant’s gaze, “This is weird, Lee,” he smirked in skepticism, “I never do something like this before, for these last four years. Never since I lost someone I really believed in this war. It’s quite long before you and those kids come,” he paused, looking at how curious the Oklahoman guy was and continued, “There was a man in 7th Cavalry whom I trusted and followed. His name is Martin Freeman, a major. Thought he was a real father figure for me, I followed him as I was just a silly boy that time. I know nothing about battle and he taught me many things. He’d been in Korean War and Cold War, he knew things for good. I always told him about how my feeling was, my confusion, my curiosity,” he chuckled sadly and stopped.

Lee saw Richard swallowed hard. It was weird to see him that way, but it wasn’t the first time Lee saw him being so sad. He’d seen him crying after the massacre. It wasn’t good thing at all, but Lee was so thankful, he became the only man who could see this though man crying and showing his real human side. 

“It was very funny when he told me I could just call him Dad for a simple reason. The last time I saw my own father was when I went to highschool. Suddenly there was a man just comin’ and tellin’ me to call him Dad, I was just nothin but ridiculously happy. But you couldn’t be happy too much in the fuckin’ Nam. LZ Albany took many lives, including him. Then, there he was, found dead in Ia Drang Valley. There was no longer Dad, because I grew up as a fatherless child and will always be. And then there was just me, the Crazy Dick, a lonesome trooper, a miserable drunkard, shameless Westpointer, a killing machine, a fucking maniac, a homeless man, a useless crusader, thinking he was Jesus for being too right in the fucking wrong place,” Richard gritted his teeth, his face reddened in between sadness and rage. 

“Richard,” Lee tried to calm Richard down and nearly touched his arm, but he pulled back himself, “I’m really sorry to hear that, man. It’s true there is Crazy Dick among us all, he’s the one who’ve lost father—twice, but unconsciously make himself a father for others, don’t you ever realize that? People could just hate you out there, but here, in your platoon, no one could fight this brotherhood of men.”

Richard smiled, he looked more like shy than sad right now, “And now you act like a mother. You’re sayin’ like my mom back there,” he giggled and made his sergeant blushed, something that warmed his cold heart, “Thought I went too emotional, sorry ‘bout that, but thank you, Sarge, you’re a good goddamned listener.”

Lee still got his cheeks blushed, with the dawn light finally came from the east, Richard could see it clearer, “Dammit, Rich,” he grunted, “But don’t worry, you can tell me anything, yeah, I’m a good fuckin’ listener except for that bastard Bloom, and, nothing’s wrong ‘bout being emotional, it means you’re a human, not a fuckin’ machine,” he laughed warmly, made Richard’s smile grew bigger in his tiny lips. 

Both of them looked at each other, seeking something through their eyes, bright steel blue met calm greenish grey. Everything was too weird. Two men looked at each other eyes like never before. With blushes in their face, it explained something changed inside them. There the coldness in Richard’s mind and heart slowly turned into warmth when he sought deeper inside Lee’s eyes. Lee kept himself in control, in which he hardly could do. He couldn’t hide the intense blushing in his cheeks. The warmth covered his heart when he looked at Richard in such different way. 

A soft chuckle came out of Richard and distracted both of them from that intense looking moment. Lee snorted and laughed. They felt absolutely awkward with themselves. It was new, rather unnecessary, but both couldn’t deny that it made their hearts lighter and more comfortable than before. This was what Richard believed, he had built such further relationship with his sergeant unconsciously. To explain what kind of relationship, he himself still tried to found out. If it was a love between brothers or friends that would be great, but if it was something referred to romantic issue, he would think back harder. The Nam was not a good place to love someone in such romantic way—and _never_ for such homosexual thing. People came for a fight to die or to go home, and that was it. Homosexuality was banned, forbidden, and definitely needed to be _avoided_ by soldiers. 

Lee kept his mind not to go too far from his commonsense. He worried the questions haunted him for many nights after the shower incident. He hardly admitted that he felt the odd and brand new warmth, he never got before, not even in his teenage times. If he could depict his state of mind now, it was a total mess. He was thinking about home, survival, life, death, and that thing— _thing_ he felt about Richard.

Sun peeked out from behind a watchtower in the east. The golden red rays made things looked clearer. Lee was still there, smoking cigarette with Richard beside him, doing the same thing. Some other men already woke up and came out of their barrack for some morning exercise. Such boring daily life on the base came up again. 

“Well, I got to go, Sarge,” Richard stood up.

“See ye again, later, lad,” Lee smirked and looked up at the lieutenant when he gave his fist to him.

“Have a fuckin’ good day,” Lee returned a fist bump and watched the lieutenant left.


	7. Lee: I'll Never Leave You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard informed his enlisted men that they were going to move to a new patrol base called Diamonds in Tay Ninh, closer to Cambodian border. Patrol base meant more attacks and located near the border would make it worse. The men grunted for their boredom of a fight. They were gonna be back to the place they belonged to. Lee realized this coming up. While Richard blamed himself to put them into more fight, he calmed him down, telling him he would never leave his leader alone while he was still struggling in a fight.

It was February 19 when Lee just got back to his barrack after some walk around. In a hot Vietnam midday, the enlisted men preferred to chill out on the terrace, lying on the sandbags, sitting on the empty oil drums, thinking they the GIs were the same as those jarheads by napping everywhere they could, but for this they were truly the same. 

Guys were talking about things around. Lee just listened to them, laughing for the funny part like when Jason ‘Kid’ Hopkins told some jokes in his hilarious Black accent. Orly told some bullshits to some guys in which Jack seemed too innocent to take it seriously. Tony was no longer with his radio and arguing with Eddie ‘Red’ Spears about getting the new one than keeping the broken old. Dean ‘Gory’ O’gorman played hearts and spades with Doc Turner and Adrian ‘Tsar’ Ivanovic. The others just napped, played with some orphaned puppies they found in some patrols—in which now they kept them as pets and the rest were disappeared, going to other units for another hangout. 

About the name, yes it was so ridiculous, but the nicknames they got were more recognizable for each others. Even their platoon leader got one, The Crazy Dick. Some nicknames just sounded too racist like Red for Eddie Spears who was a Native American or Rabbi for Adrien Brody, a Jewish. They continued to call Eddie the ‘Red’ because he ‘didn’t give a fuck’ while no longer called their platoon sergeant a ‘rabbi’ in which he didn’t really like. 

The sun was high. People kept chattering while a tape recorder played Bob Dylan’s version of All Along the Watchtower. Lee took a cigarette from his breast pocket and hardly lit it as winds blew strong in the midday. Then he took a gulp of Budweiser that wasn’t cold at all, but at least soothed his dried throat. From the mirage on the road out there, he could see a silhouette of a tall man.

_“There must be some way out of here” said the joker to the thief_   
_“There’s too much confession,” I can’t get no relief_   
_Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth_   
_None of them along the line know what any of it is worth_

Lee drew his attention and played with a black colored puppy, let him bit his finger carefully. The song kept playing until he tilted his head and heard a very familiar baritone voice. Richard was there, standing in front of his men in quite awkward and uncomfortable manner. 

“Easy, boys,” he said. Eyes paid attention to him and what he would saying, “I got some kinda bad news for you,” he paused, drag his cigarette and let his men in questioning looks, “We’re gonna leave this base soon. We gotta move to Patrol Base Diamonds, located in Tay Ninh, 30 miles northwest of Saigon, close enough to Cambodian Border. Yeah, boys, we’re getting closer to Cambodia.”

The guys grunted like they usually did. Now they finally had to leave such comfort and safety in secured base area. They’ve been there for quite long and it came to their time getting back to the middle of combats, ambushes, jungle patrols. Richard looked at them, feeling how disappointed they were. For some old grunts, for sure, he could see the boredom looks in their face. They no longer belonged to this place as they soon had to leave The Nam. It was already passed their limit for replacement rotation in which Richard still tried to discuss with the superiors and got no way out. 

“It’s kinda bad distraction for your days, eh?” Richard asked. 

“It’s more boring shit for us, Sir,” Dean answered, biting an ace of spade.

“Yeah, totally boring. I hate to tell you about this, men, but for fuck sake, I had to,” Richard shrugged, “We get outta here tomorrow, so prepare your stuffs. If some of you’ll be on R&R you can get a flight to Tan Son Nhut Cam Rahn Bay, or Da Nang two days from now. Well, see you in Tay Ninh next week.”

“So there will be another ambush, cocksuckers,” Big Jim mumbled to guys sitting next to him. 

“This fuckin’ Nam ain’t really good place to chill out this way, troops,” Richard snorted, “It’s a fuckin’ good place to get your ass a _fugazi_ , so, probably a chill out while your ass kicked off is gonna be usual again for you,” his words made his men laughed and soon forget their disappointment. Honestly, they always laughed at Richard for his British accent mixed in some American slangs. The lieutenant knew he was a joke, but sometimes it made a good fun for them, so he just let it be. 

Lee chuckled softly to hear his lieutenant funny accent. He still liked it, by the way. He liked all things that were in Richard. The lieutenant glanced at him and made him blushed. He tried to hide his pink blushing cheeks that clearly seen by muffled his laugh. 

“That was the shit I wanted to tell you, cheese dicks. Any fuckin’ questions?” he giggled. 

Some of them answered no, “Alright, buds, go fuck yourselves then, have a good day,” he waved his hand and left. 

Lee got up from his seat and went after Richard. For these last two days, he felt getting more guts to talk to the man he had a strange feeling to. He didn’t know why, he always wondering what Richard did when he wasn’t around. Sometimes he thought really scared if Richard found out he was a stupid weird jerk with the feeling he got. Yet it didn’t stop him from trying to get along with him much better than before. 

Richard smiled shyly, “Get a good day today, Lee?” he asked, continued walking. 

There was only a sigh came out of Lee at first, “Always exhausting, Rich,” he answered, set his pace along with his lieutenant. 

“Another day for a fight is gonna comin’ son, buddy,” Richard said, “This base is Lieutenant Colonel Oddi’s idea. A patrol base, we name it, it’s gonna tempt enemies to attack while we put it close to the border. Then we got our full firepower out there, and kicked their gook ass off.”

“Good God, he ruined our time on the base,” Lee chuckled, “But that was cool idea, the closer we get into the border, the easier we push ‘em off. It will be better than not crossing the border at all, they’re gonna get more chance to attack us. Well, fuckin-a, we’re gonna be a bait for this shit,” he nodded.

“This thing is fucked up. The idea was brilliant, so fuckin’ brilliant, so we just need to prepare our ass for more goddamned ambush and attack. Guess the Diamonds will be truly a lump of shit, a very weak point with no firepower, but battalion promised us we get good support,” Richard shook his head for his personal disagreement with this patrol base thing. Something that really got in his mind was this base would be really close to Vietnam-Cambodian border. There would be more men to be sacrificed for this.

“I hate to admit that I’ve been too used for this kinda situation,” Lee sighed, “Well, I mean, I once thought I don’t belong here anymore. The massacre made me wanna go home soon. But later, I realized there was something in me made me don’t wanna leave this place again. ‘Feels like I’m a fucking coward now, thinking that the world out there will alienate me when I’m there.”

Richard halted his step. He stood right up before his sergeant, “What the fuck are you talkin’ about, Lee? You’ve spent too many days in this living hell and forget the world you belong to?” he winced. 

“Don’t tellin’ me that way, L.T. You know right ‘bout such thing. Look at you, have you ever been in home for this last four years?” Lee pinned his lieutenant eyes with his gaze, left him a little bit cold. 

“I’ve tellin’ you my reason. I know I hate this fuckin’ hell, but,” Richard paused, his eyes searched something in the taller man’s face, “I’m a failed man. But you’re not, I hope you ain’t. It’s enough for me to see someone failed to face the world—me, myself. I don’t want my men to be, and I don’t want you to be fucked up.”

Lee tried to hide his gasping as much as he could. Richard’s words were beyond his mind. He never thought Richard would tell him something like that. It was hard to be accepted, that he melted inside his heart, melted by Richard’s words. He started to blush but still didn’t want to smile. It wasn’t funny at all. What Richard told him just made him a little bit worried but also safe. He felt so safe with Richard’s care. 

“Look at you, boy. You’re very young, stuck in this place for more than three years. You could have good career back home. Some kinda nice small house, pretty nice wife, adorable kids, you deserve it all. That’s why I often trying so hard to comprehend some smart ass’ thought like Bloom and Brody to leave their family for this useless thing, unless for money,” Richard said, he couldn’t let his eyes set off of his nervous sergeant, “This war, Pace, and those water-walker politicians at Washington D.C already fucked up so many young men’s life for such diabolical thing. It’s totally gross. You have your life, you have to make it when you got chance. For me, my heart was buried right here beneath this fuckin’ Nam soil, since I saw the first blood of my men in Ia Drang.”

The tall sergeant left mind-paralyzed for seconds, until he could arrange his words back, “So what if I’ve been someone like you? I’m so scared with the world out there, Richard. That world is gonna eat me alive, crushing my fucking life, left me like a walking dead. I know I miss my family too much, but everything is just fucked up. I’ve been here for too long, I know I regretted my decision to stay here when I signed my second tour of duty. But remorse is no fuckin’ thing. I’ve already bind my life with The Nam in some sad way.”

“Stop talkin’ shit to me, Sarge!” Richard grasped Lee’s arms tightly, felt a little bit surprised by his doing and let him go instantly, “Yeah, it’s my fault, so I’m so fuckin’ sorry I couldn’t make those bastard superiors to let you go home. Oh, Jesus, wish I never crush everybody else’s life again!” he grunted.

“Why’d you blame yourself like that, Rich? We never blame you, it’s not your fault, you hear me?” Lee asked, trying to look for the answer in his lieutenant’s clearly steel blue eyes, “What you need to know is, you’ll not be left alone. Even if all boys go home now, trust me, _I’ll never leave you_ ,” his voice went low and he didn’t realize how it haunted Richard constantly. 

Richard felt something stab his chest so painfully. He didn’t expect his sergeant would tell him such thing. For seconds, he could sense how the world seemed like stop moving. He absolutely wanted to pull the taller man into his arms and _hugged_ him tight. He already tried to deny himself, not to be honest, that in his smallest part of deepest heart, he felt he didn’t want to be left alone. But now he couldn’t hide it from the sergeant he was always thinking about these days. 

“You’ve been my leader, brought me along with you, since the day I was a stupid lanky boy to this day,” Lee smiled weakly, “I used not to believe you, thought you’re just some kinda instant officer, would left in your four months with us, but I changed my mind. It’s 1969 now, and you’re still here. So, is it wrong if your men, like me, still trying to always fight beside you like the first combat in 1966? So stop blaming yourself. For me, I’m alright if I can’t go home now, other guys deserve better.”

“Jesus _fuckin’_ Christ, you really get your guts, Lee. I can’t say no more. Thank you so much, if you still trust me, because I don’t think I deserve such thing,” Richard shrugged, he didn’t think he could continue his words. 

“You have my words, Sir,” Lee smiled shyly. His blushing cheeks made Richard chuckled tickly. 

“Meet me in the bar at 2000, I’ll buy you some drinks,” Richard said, left his ears reddened. More or less, he thought the invitation was quite like a dating appointment. 

The sergeant nodded, “Alright. That will be great for the last day on the rear area,” he giggled and his blushing was getting worse. He felt all of his body heating in the most adorable way he could ever feel. 

“Later, troop,” Richard waved his hand clumsily and left.


	8. The Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last night on Camp Cu Chi left so much surprise for Lee and Richard. Both found out the truth they didn't want to see, but couldn't get from their minds away. There were too much guilt, disappointment, confusion and paradox.

The bar was extremely crowded. Everybody in the same battalion seemed like have the same idea to spend their last night on the same place. Lee stepped in and found most of the third platoon guys were already there, telling some bullshits like usual, getting Budweiser and Pabst Blue Ribbon on their tables, and never missed the spades and hearts game. 

The tall sergeant was easily recognized in the crowd, but he could hardly found the lieutenant who must be waiting for him already. For some minutes, he was just walking around, interrupted people, and there he was. Richard was sitting on the bar stool, one hand on the table, another one holding cigarette. Lee swallowed his spit, knowing how clean the lieutenant’s face was. He probably took shower before he came, brushing his dark brown short hair neatly—Lee could see he must applying pomade to make it glossy, and his face! His face was cleanly _shaven_ , left no trace of stubble like he usually was. 

Lee was a quite unconfident with himself. He took showerabout half hour ago, but Vietnam hot night already made him sweated, and the crowded bar made it even worse. He sat right next to him and could smell something really _good_ in Richard’s body. He sprayed cologne or perfume, _yes he did!_ The sergeant cursed at heart, thinking how this thing was much like a _dating_ — between a boyfriend and girlfriend apparently, than treating some drinks for a friend. 

“Sorry, Rich, I made you waited for so long,” Lee said, interrupted Richard from his thought. 

“Oh, hey, you’re comin’,” Richard smiled amazingly, made Lee instantly blushed—again. He almost laughed to see the sergeant looked so nervous, his short brown hair was quite a mess, and sweated enough. 

“Two glasses of _Red Label_ , boy,” Richard ordered to the bartender and dragged his cigarette deep. He glanced at Lee, feeling something really strange inside. He never been so clean for the last four years in Vietnam, among all of combat times and leisure times, he was just a careless Crazy Dick. Something distracted his mind badly, made him doing such ridiculous thing. Basically, he didn’t want Lee to notice the change in him, but he must be wrong, the sergeant knew him for so long and saw him in _prince-look_ this way must be apparent. 

To be honest, the last time he looked like this was before his second tour of duty. That was when he came home to Philadelphia, visiting his fiancée in New York, having some good expensive dinner, dressing in cool Airborne uniform, showing his manner as an intelligent West Pointer. Yet that was the last time he could face the human’s world out there. A week after, there more trouble came from inside and outside of him. He ended up his relationship with the woman named Katy Hudson for some reasons he didn’t want to remember. Then, he flew back to The Nam where he was finally baptized as Crazy Dick in between deadly and bloody ambushes and combats. 

The next words Lee wanted to tell was actually ‘You smell so good, Rich’ but he bit his tongue, thinking so hard to keep his commonsense alive, “Well, the bar is so shitty, all guys comin’ down here,” he finally found the right—more appropriate words to start a conversation.

Richard nodded and smirked, “This can be the last time they feel such good times in this base, so people come around,” he said. Two shot glasses of Red Label were before them. Richard looked at his shy sergeant and lifted his glass up, “For the glorious days in the fucking Nam!” he yelled. 

“Fuckin-A, Sir,” Lee responded enthusiastically and took one big gulp of booze. As it came down his throat, he could feel his nerve started relaxed. He was no drunkard like his lieutenant by the way, so a small amount of strong whiskey worked on him. 

Time went on with no words. Richard ordered more and more glasses of booze and they just gulped them down. The hot air was no longer affected them. The booze brought them to their own world. They were just laughing and chuckling, looking at each other eyes and blushing. Something went really wrong right now, but they didn’t want to be bothered too much. 

Richard glanced at a Vietnamese girl in short pink dress. She was singing some Aretha Franklin’s songs on the small stage. Some other girls with similar outfits were working around, delivered drinks for the soldiers, “Look at that girl, the base even hired her to sing again. It’s quite a longtime I didn’t see her around,” Richard said.

Lee just looked at the beehive hair styled girl, “Another sweet surprise for those lonely men,” he smiled and laughed later when he saw some guys were singing along, showing their longing for women.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Richard asked, still looking at the girl. The sergeant just nodded plainly. There was a hint of strange jealousy in him when Richard paid his attention at the girl. 

“Yeah, but beautiful Vietnamese girl with round eyes and small face like her always reminds me of Oanh, sometimes it makes me sad. I can’t actually get her out of my mind since the day she was killed,” Lee looked down. 

Richard felt really sorry to ask him such thing. But he was also moved by a stream of unnecessary _jealousy_ when he came to the point that perhaps Lee had such feeling with the girl, as he still had her rosary clung in his neck up to this day.

The next gulps of booze were taken, “I’m sorry, Lee, I don’t mean it,” Richard apologized, trying to look at the warm dark greenish grey eyes deeper, “Do you really _love_ her?” he was too late to pull the words back.

“What kinda love you mean?” Lee asked back. He didn’t want Richard to think he had such romantic feeling with Oanh as he once told him near the latrine. 

“Um, well, any kind of it, maybe, um, you get some deeper feeling from time to time, I dunno, boy, sorry, I don’t wanna make you upset or…” Richard stammered and was interrupted by his sergeant.

“Don’t be foolish, Richard,” Lee raised his voice a little bit, made the lieutenant’s eyes opened wide, “I’ve told you, I don’t! Oanh reminds me of my sister, and this singer reminds me of her, that’s it,” Lee clarified. 

Richard nodded, “Aye, yeah, I’m sorry,” he scratched the back of his neck. 

“You look so fuckin’ ridiculous this way, Rich. Something is kinda distracting you,” Lee commented. He turned to be so honest beyond his control, “Well, maybe it’s just her, the singer who reminds you of someone?”

Richard looked at Lee and chuckled darkly, “You bet,” he mumbled, “My ex fiancée, she was a singer too, like to dress in short tight pink, red high heels, beehive hair, well, I can’t tell you lie no more,” he shrugged and took the next shot. 

Lee was too surprised to hear those words from Richard. The lieutenant finally opened up his private past, and now he found out he once had a relationship with a woman, a _fiancée_ he said. 

“You got a fiancée back home? I never know it,” Lee teased, trying to get more information from Richard.

“An ex- fiancée I said,” Richard corrected, “We broke up before I went to the Nam for second tour of duty. Her name is Katy, Katherine Elizabeth Hudson, a New York jazz singer. We’ve been engaged for two years. I knew her since we’re on high school. But she ain’t my first girlfriend, I dated another jazz singer, my senior, Lizzy Grant, she was the first one. This Vietnamese girl reminds me to both of them, the jazz singers with beehive and pink dress. I don’t know why but I feel so weird,” he chuckled.

Lee looked at the shot glass in Richard’s hand. It was supposed to be his, but Richard took it first. He wasn’t drunk for about a week due to the lack of free booze, so he must be out of control now, “It sounds like you always want to date jazz singers,” Lee said, lit a cigarette. 

“Not always, lanky man,” Richard waved his fore finger right before Lee’s nose tip, made the young sergeant winced, “It was. I said it was. The fuckin’ Nam changes me,” he was now definitely beyond his control. The truth was just because he wanted to be open to Lee, that was it! So he tried to lose himself freely even it now seemed exaggerated.  
“Hey, you drink too much, Sir,” Lee stopped Richard from taking another shot. He gripped his wrist, almost spilled the whiskey, “It’s my turn, right?” he turned out to be so awkward with his hand on his lieutenant’s wrist.

Richard nodded, looking at big and long hand felt so tight in his wrist, “I’m sorry. I think I’m outta control,” he blinked rapidly, trying to get his commonsense back.  
“What if we just get outta here? It’s getting more crowded,” Lee released his grip. His head felt so light and could no longer bear any noise around. He was dizzy with the crowd. His eyes wanted to avoid any fast motion like for some of those enlisted men who fought each other and making things worse. 

Richard just nodded once more. He let the sergeant took the last shot. He paid the drinks before followed him out of the bar. His head was spinning around. He always liked the drunken sensation, but things sensed so different tonight. He didn’t drunk alone, he was with a sergeant he always thinking about. Everything was so wrong but right at the same time. It made him confused. He felt like being thrown back to his teenage years, asking a girl named Lizzy to watch movie, talking about many things further, and dating her not so long after. But this _matter_ was about Sergeant Lee Grinner Pace. He could just asking him to hang out for some drinks, talking about more private things, but not supposed to _date_ him. Beyond his consciousness, he would like to date him. But Sergeant Pace was a _man_. He was a tall masculine man who could grow beard like he did. Someone who came from the same kind like him. He wasn’t supposed to have such desire to another man. God forbade it. The Army banned it. Society hated it. Now, he wanted it. 

“It’s better over here,” Richard mumbled. He sat on a pile of sandbags in a quite dark place, not far from the bar. His sergeant followed right next to him. His face was quite pale, like something was wrong about him, “Are you sick, Pace?” Richard asked in almost panicky tone.

Lee shook his head, “I just can’t stand with such noise for too long. Quiet place works better on me,” he smiled, looking at the half shaded face of his lieutenant. 

“Yeah, think my idea wasn’t really good. We’ll be put on a fight again tomorrow, better to find some peace,” Richard muttered. He smiled back at the younger man. On his drunken state now, what he wanted to do was _kissing_ the man right on his cherry-red curling lips. He wanted to _kiss_ him, but too many things in mind pulled him back to his sanity. 

“That’s right. Well, by the way, I’d like to know more about your story. I mean, what you told me about the jazz singers, your ex girlfriends, um, yeah, if you want to, of course,” Lee was turned stammered this time. 

“What?” Richard chuckled softly and sighed, “They’re gone for so long, gone with my time staying in the Nam. Lizzy left me when she knew I was going to West Point, she didn’t want to be abandoned, she said. Then I dated Katy, my classmate in high school. She liked military guy and was too proud to be a future wife of a West Point officer. Then I went to the Nam in early 1965. No more than a year, I went back home. I joined her again, we were happy again, we made love again, but that lasted about one week until I found out what she actually hid behind me. She had an affair with a jazz pianist, and tellin’ me I was too long in the battlefield. She was tellin’ me she just too lonely with no man around, turning back her words, sayin’ that she regretted to love and be engaged to a military man. What the fuck you do think, Sarge? There are so many fucking psycho bitches out there,” he explained, left the sergeant did nothing but stayed still, listening to every word he told rapidly. 

“That’s what we often heard from other boys. Dear John letter. Many women told they could no longer stay with no men around. Damn it, I dunno that you’re one of ‘em,” Lee said, feeling a half sorry about what happened to his lieutenant but also a half relieve that he didn’t need to experience such thing. 

“Poor me,” Richard mumbled almost inaudibly, “I left so many things back there in our fuckin’ _beloved_ country. I abandoned them because they abandoned me first, just like stabbin’ back someone who stabbed you first, to make it fair. Ah, I dunno what I am talkin’ about,” he shook his head and moved closer to his sergeant—close enough until they could feel their shirts pressed against each other, “So what about you? I’d like to know more about you, too,” he whispered. 

Lee blushed over and over again. His heartbeat was a total mess. He almost gasped when the question struck him like a lightning, “What do you wanna know ‘bout me?” he smiled coyly.  
“Anything, somethin’ that the boys didn’t hear yet, maybe,” Richard smiled more wickedly this time. It was more like dangerous and mysterious grin for Lee.

Lee chuckled weakly as he could no longer feel his own feet anymore, “Because we’re talkin about girlfriends, so here I’m gonna be honest bout that too,” he paused, made sure Richard listened to him rather than searching something in his face, “I never had any girlfriend,” he sighed.

Richard’s eyes opened wide for a second before he muffled his bursting laugh, “You what? Are you kiddin’ me, lad?” he asked teasingly. 

“This is no _shit_ , you dick,” Lee swore, “I’m honest bout this. I never had any girlfriend because I was just a kid going to the draft before I really understood what boys at my age should do. Other boys dated girls, having good time with them, but not for me. Sometimes I was a brood at school, guessed it would make girls stay away from me. And I never really like ‘em because they talked too much, you know that girls have two mouths don’t ye?” he laughed tickly. 

The lieutenant laughed to hear the last words, “Son of a bitch, that is. That’s the reason why most guys trying to get chicks, they have two mouths with ‘em,” he smiled shyly to make such dirty joke.

“I know that, but I relieved I don’t need to feel the terrible part of it. I’m just a silly-lanky-single man in the land of death, but that made me kinda happier,” Lee said. His eyes pinned down at Richard’s tiny lips. The alcohol effect made him thought further and worse.

“Glad to hear you happy,” Richard mumbled, eyes searched to where Lee’s gaze was into, “Be a lonesome man is better sometimes, but you still can’t deny your heart tellin’ you that you need someone beside you for some reason.”

“I don’t try to deny it. I know it is,” Lee said slowly, “Someone’s already beside me, and I know he’s not gonna let anyone left behind.”

Richard winced and hummed in question until Lee continued his words, “That’s you, Lieutenant.”

The lieutenant tried to pull away from Lee, but he stopped at his point, just looking deeper at the sergeant’s eyes, “You trust me that much,” he whispered.

“As always,” Lee nodded, “You’re a great friend, a good man, don’t need people to know much ‘bout that, but for men who fight side by side with you, they don’t need no shit to admit it.” 

“You spoil me again with your words,” Richard shook his head and smirked bitterly.

“No I don’t, Sir. This ain’t spoiling, I’m drunk, so I’m honest, that’s it,” Lee explained his argument briefly. 

“So I don’t need much reason to say I love you all, my enlisted men, my boys,” Richard said, really wanted to continue to say ‘I love you more importantly’ but he took a deep breath and kept himself in control.

Lee smiled coyly again. He still blushed and definitely wanted to lie down on his mattress, “We love you too, Sir. Tomorrow we’ll be on our duty again, we’ll struggling together ever again.”

Richard lifted his own hand and touch Lee’s jaw. His sudden motion made the sergeant a little bit shocked with the unexpected contact. It was the first time Richard really touched Lee’s face. His skin was so _smooth_ , smoother than he ever imagined.

The sergeant couldn’t do anything but locked his eyes in the lieutenant’s gaze. He put one of his hands in Richard’s strong neck while the Britishman’s hand moved upward to his blushing cheek. They moved closer against each other, knowing how much they wanted this wrong thing to happen. The closer they got, there were just their own lips in each other’s eyes, thing they really needed to reach— _a kiss_.

Richard was about moving one inch closer when the noise came out of the bar. The fighting game on the bar was getting worse and forced some military police to dismiss them all. So, most of the enlisted men got out of it like sheep coming out of their stall. 

Both the lieutenant and the sergeant moved away against each other instantly when the riot came up. They sat apart and looked at the drunken men who were talking this and that, laughing, cursing and so on. Both of them glanced over each other and felt things more like guilty and disappointment. 

Lee stood up. He made sure he didn’t make any mistake. He tried to assure he didn’t want this to be happened that way, in that wrong way, “Boys comin’ back to the barrack, guess I’m gonna join them too,” he said.

Richard bit his own lip and nodded, “Alright boy. Don’t forget to pack your stuff. We’re gonna leave at 1000,” he tried to hide his wrongness, but he still couldn’t. Then he put his hand on Lee’s jaw again, stroked it softly, “Thanks for your time, see you tomorrow,” he tapped it playfully, made the sergeant chuckled weakly. They guessed it wouldn’t make anybody else noticed what was actually going to happen. 

“See ya, Rich. Thanks for the drink by the way,” Lee nodded, tapping his lieutenant’s firm bicep. He turned around and left, unlike usual, this time it was him who left Richard alone in the darkness of Vietnam night, with too much thing to be thought about in his mind. For him, he was so lucky and unlucky for some reasons tonight. Lucky he could get one step closer to Richard, unlucky for he couldn’t satisfied his forbidden desire for him. He was confused to decide that when he failed to kiss the lieutenant was for good or bad. The _devil of booze_ took control, he finally justified himself.

 

_That night it seemed like I was so burdened by a million tons of guilt. I could no longer understand what was wrong or right. Richard was like a B-52 dropping hundreds of bombs into Vietnam landscape. He blew me. At one point I was scared. I was broken. I was scattered. That was me and a small piece of sanity left inside. I didn’t blame him for what he did to me. I blamed myself instead. I wanted to blame the booze we took thought it was the real devil. But I had that desire in my heart and probably he did. I had that desire I really wanted to get it away from my mind, but I couldn’t._

_I couldn’t guess what would happen if we really kissed. It must be a paradox. I wouldn’t be able to decide if it would be better or worse for our relationship. He was my platoon leader and that night I lost it all from my mind. The truth was he became more like someone to be loved, privately and romantically. I cursed myself for I never know how it felt to love someone that way. My life went on out of the line and I lost some vital points of it. I never loved someone before. And if it was that love looked like, I really wanted to stab myself to death. It burdened me. It hurt me. Meanwhile, I couldn’t get his shadow out of me again after that. He haunted me for the good and the bad. I hardly started to confess to myself that I grew deeper feeling for him. I loved Richard as a man. I knew I already loved him as a leader and a friend, but never been this far. God might punish me for this, but I was just a man. The Nam wasn’t good place to love someone for sure, but I—who had been baptized through the fire and blood in unmerciful jungles of Vietnam still had that heart everyone deserved._

_I wanted to forget what happened that night, because I guessed there would be no more nights like that. We were going closer to the enemies next day and some attacks would get my head away from that thought. There would be no time to think about such thing anymore. I had to keep my mind straight upward where bullets and explosion might stop my way out there. I had to think about surviving and dying. I realized that maybe I would never get his kiss at all. That kiss would be only lingered in my restless dream at night. And that love, would be only love to keep into the deepest and darkest part of my heart._  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part is finished, but there will be **more**! The third part is on the way :)  
>  Thank you for reading ;)

**Author's Note:**

> *NCO: Non-Commisioned Officer: enlisted member of the armed forces holding a position of some degree of authority who has (usually) obtained it by advancement from within the non-commissioned ranks (from corporal to sergeant major)
> 
> *OCS: Officer Candidate School


End file.
